I · wish · I · was · a · Forest

You don't pick her out of a catalog like some pair of boots.

At this time of night, I should be sleeping soundly in a bed with a toilet really near by. Instead I am waiting for rolls to finish cooking as I have just finished wrapping up some pictures that needed to be protected for the upcoming move. I am not as nervous about the move as I had previously expected to be, which is a pleasant surprise. I am simply more interested in just having it finished at this point.

Though we have yet to find anyone to take over the apartment, thereby reuniting us with a good lump of money, I have reached a certain level of, "oh, okay" about it. If we find someone to fill the place and get our money back, awesome. If not, I am sure we will both find a way to deal with it.

I have been more preoccupied with sex these days. I've been off of any form of birth control for about 2 months now and have found that my sex has not only revived, but has possibly doubled. It seems that some days all I can think about it sex. I suppose this would be acceptable if I actually had a significant partner and/or someone to indulge this interest with.

More's the pity.

I am insanely tired. The roommate and I are moving into a new apartment on July 1st (though our current lease does not end until August 1st) and the stress of trying to find someone to move in plus the stress of packing and finance issues have not allowed for a decent night's sleep since we first saw the place and I fell in love with it.

We've a week and a half until we move. We've still yet to find someone to move in. I'm trying to think in a positive manner but I'm becoming less and less sure that we will receive our last month's rent back. This is massively upsetting as, well, I'm not very well off and losing close to $700 is not something I really can absorb well.

Yes, and then there is also the fact that it's been gross and rainy for quite awhile now, and has yet to even show a hint of summer (other than a few 80 degree days in April/May). The fact that I'm trying to quit smoking as well may have something to do with my overall stress level.

I really didn't think it would be so difficult to rent out the place that we are moving fun, but apparently it is.

I will accept crossed fingers, if you all please.

I am starting to think that listening to Nine Inch Nails on repeat may not be the best idea for my sanity.

I have been trying to write an update for probably about two weeks now. Everything has been rather crazy and slightly odd. I managed to find an apartment for myself and my roommate with a move-in date a month before we were planning on moving. The lease is signed and we are now in the process of trying to find someone to take over our current place for July 1st so we can get our last month's rent back. I've been purging and cleaning and packing all weekend, aside from the AIDS walk that was on Sunday.

There's more, but there's also work that needs to be done.

Last Saturday I went to a play put on by a semi-local high school called "With the Needle that Sings in Her Heart" that was put on my the school's drama department with help from Amanda Palmer. It was interesting. I do not know if one could describe a play about the Holocaust as enjoyable but it definitely spurred on one of those, "I'm going to drive back to my house in silence and ponder what I've just seen," half hours of time. I have been attempting to do things outside of my normal realm of Work, Home, Club, Sleep, Family Dinner. I guess high school plays and plans to go antiquing fall under the realm of "new stuff."

I signed up for a Meditation class and made it to one (1) class. The second class was the day of the Star Trek release, so obviously, Star Trek took precedence, how could it not? The third class is tonight and I will be attending the ballet with my mother, which definitely takes precedence. The forth and final class is next Thursday, which is the night I will be spending time with my mentor from college. Gee, I'm very glad it was a free course.

I will be taking 2 more courses shortly: a career planning course that may actually help me figure out what I am looking to do with my life and a small one day course regarding journaling.

Again, at least they are things outside of my norm.

This was going to be a longer post but given all of the things that need to be done at work, it is just not possible today.

I have this list of things that needs to be accomplished in the next 5 months.


I need to find a new place to live for me, kitty, and roomie.

I need to make myself wake up earlier every morning and actually exercise, rather than saying I will.

I need to add meditation to my list of daily activities.

I need to read more.

I need to look into graduate programs and/or what it would take to get a second BA.

I need to save money.

I need to completely quit smoking, not just smoke cloves, as if it's just so much better.

I need to stop hating men, or rather, hating the idea of men dating me.



We'll see how much progress I actually get done, I suppose.

Since I've started this job, one of the things I have been trying to do is expand my general circle of interests. If a lecture is posted on the internal website and seems interesting, I will attempt to attend it. If there is a course available that could be of some benefit to me that the school is willing to pay for, I will go out of my way to register for it. Which brings me to today. I am starting a meditation class that runs for four weeks. I will be missing one of those sessions, as there is no way I can be expected to miss Star Trek on opening night, but my plan is to attend as many of those as I can.

It seems that I am actively trying to align all aspects of my life. I am trying to eat in a more healthful way, exercise, get enough sleep, spend less money, and do more things that are outside of my comfort level. I have started making soldered glass pendants and hope to start working with metal clay soon but I need to get some sculpy to play with first. It seems that I am finally trying to figure out ways to entertain myself, rather than expecting other people to do it for me. Though I do appreciate it when others do.

I spent six hours on the phone last night with my ex-fiancee. Both before and after Daisy of Love, which is a beautiful train wreck that I will watch all the way through, but that's not the point of this.

We had the most open and honest conversation that we've had in the past 5 years and probably since before we split up. It was odd, to be perfectly honest, as it wasn't the conversation that I was anticipating when he mentioned calling me due to me randomly texting him earlier last week after receiving a one line joke as a text the prior week.

We had this odd, meandering conversation that went through a variety of topics; current pop culture, music and movie wise, issues we had, issues we have, what happened to us and why it happened.

It was an ultimately fulfilling and interesting conversation that show exactly how different of a place his head is at now versus where it was then. It has lead tome spending way too much time today mulling it over, however.

I've started thinking about if it is actually possible for people to truly change. Not him in particular but people in general. There have been a variety of people and situations that I seriously thought had changed that never had, though on the other hand, I feel that I'm almost a completely different person now than I was three years ago. Though the surface interests may still be the same with a few exceptions, I feel that the things that have happened in the last three to four years have changed me irrevocably, for better or for worse.

This entire conversation also lead to one of the most disturbing dreams I have had in years. It involved a former pet, hotel rooms, family, and substance abuse. Seriously, seriously disturbing.

For about 4-5 years now I've been trying to pay off the credit card debt I racked up on three cards whilst in college and living with my then fiancee. Today was my last payment on them. It's taken this long but it's done now. I paid of two of the three earlier in the year when I got my state tax refund but this last one has just been dogging me.

Gone. Done. Yay.

Now all that's left is student loans and two current cards, which is exceptionally doable.

This has been and will continue to be a good Friday.

I've had this journal for close to 8 years and haven't used it nearly at all. Maybe it's actually time to.

I purged all the old entries about relationships and health and tracking and whatnot. This used to be the dumping journal when I couldn't exactly figure out where the crap was suppose to go. This was the journal that documented my eating, drinking and exercise habits. Eight years of assorted flotsam that wasn't important enough to chronicle in the main journal.

It's gone. Good.

I've been thinking a lot about endings lately and the pendular motion of life. That I find myself reverting back to things that I hadn't done in ages or how I seem to be trying to quit smoking by reversing the course of smoking in my life. Obviously, since I starting by smoking cloves, I should end by smoking those as well. Gotta follow that arc back.

Ending in other senses, too. Sometimes I think I'm being a bit too new age-y about it sometimes but I've been getting this feeling lately that things are ending and things are changing. That I'm not looking at things in my life the way I need to right now and when I do have it all click into place, a lot of things are going to have to go.

Musings for another time, maybe.